how can i spell RESPECT?

Being the panganay of a broken family is a pain in the ass most especially when you have a father like mine.
You will serve as a shock absorber of you mother for something stupid that your father has done.
You have to keep some of your father's kawalangyaan from your mother para mabawasan yung pain na nafifeel niya kahit konti.
You are obliged na akuin ung obligation ng father mo if ever he's not able to give you his support, both financially and emotionally.
Still, you have to give him respect and love that a child must give to her father.
You have to learn how to forgive him for all the pain he has given you.
But whatever effort you made to sustain that love and respect you have when you were a child mawawala yun because of so much pain he have given you.

You have to learn how to be a good actor infront of other people because you have to hide the pain that you are feeling inside lalo na if you were known as one the jolliest person in the world.
You have to learn to fake a smile and master the right way of saying "everything will be alright" to your siblings para maiwas sila sa pain and pagaalala and let them focus to their studies.
You have to be strong infront of your mother whenever she talks about her pain about the situation, her feelings towards what her one true love has done to her and her children.

Sobrang hirap to be a panganay, how I wish na ako na lang ang bunso. How I wish to have a kuya para masumbungan ng lahat ng pain na nararamdaman ko about all of this. I look like Im ok but Im not! I dont know how long can I handle these things. I dont know if im handling it right. Friend's comfort was not enough to ease the pain I am feeling right now. I need my mama, I need her comfort but ayokong makadagdag sa problems niya. I must let her know that Im ok and I can handle this on my own.

I love my father, I do but after everything he has done and every pain he has given us, how can I continue to respect him? I can't find any reason.